New Poem

We're no good together, but we're no good apart.

What am I supposed to trust: my head or my heart?

The first is saying it is better off this way.

The second is just wishing you would've stayed.

It's been a week now and tears still fill my eyes.

Anytime I think about the past "us", I just want to cry.

Do you remember all those times of fun?

Yet now we're forcing ourselves to be done?

It just doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

I really wish you didn't have to up and leave.

You said you weren't going anywhere and you'd still be here.

But as I look around, I see the reality of my biggest fear.

Just like I thought, you're gone once again.

And it's my heart that is left for me to mend.

But how can I do it without my best friend?

What happened to saying we didn't want our love to end?

I feel like we've reached this huge roadblock.

And time seems to be ticking away on a broken clock.

Days pass by but time seems to stand still.

I just wish I could find out how you feel.

But I won't find out anytime soon it seems.

So for now I will settle with just seeing you in my dreams.

I hate that it has come down to this complicated mess.

I'm really wishing it could just hurt a lot less.

I want to keep our friendship strong.

But maybe this time I'm in the wrong.

I know everything happens for a reason.

I just hope happiness will return with the change of the season.

Grace is Amazing

Your love for me never ceases to amaze
Thinking of You sets my heart a blaze
I possess this passion and desire
Please God, burn me with Your fire
I want to live my life for You
And have trust in everything You do
You have never let me down before
Which leaves me wanting more and more
No matter how often I'm led astray
You still remain with me and never betray
And I admit that I've failed numerous times
But fortuantely Your forgiveness doesn't cost a dime
I'm thankful for the blessings You've sent my way
And I plan to worship You through all my days
So take my hand and lead me through life
Show me reasons to smile even in times of strife
I will make Your word be a lamp to my feet
And face-to-face we will one day meet.

Poem

I thought it was different this time around
Little did I know, it would tumble to the ground
Once again, this lie, this illusion
Has put me in a state of confusion
I'm forced to wonder what I've done wrong
While still trying to remain strong
Then I realize maybe it's not me at all
Maybe he brought me up just to watch me fall
It hurts to know he doesn't care
But sometimes life just isn't fair
I should have known it was too good to be true
And more apologies just won't do
I've forgiven and forgotten way too many times
Just to watch him leave again on the spin of a dime
No longer will I let myself get caught in his trap
Because I can clearly see now that he's just full of crap
And no, I don't think we can even remain friends
'Cause all this bullshit has to come to an end.

25 Random Facts

1. I'm majoring in Elementary Education bc I absolutely love children!
2. I've never been outside of the U.S. but I really want to travel overseas.
3. Music is my life. I love connecting lyrics to situations I'm going thru. I like singing and I want to learn how to play the guitar (I bought one and everything...just don't practice lol.)
4. People think I'm pretty shy, but the truth is I just don't like to open up to many ppl. I tend to keep my feelings to myself in fear of being rejected. You have to gain my trust before I let you in.
5. I want to change several different things in my life but i struggle with self-motivation and dedication.
6. I have a dog named Sugarbear. We've had him for over 10 yrs.
7. I hate cold weather unless its snowing...then i love it!
8. My weakness are guys who can play guitar and/or sing.
9. I can't stand it when friends are mad at me. It absolutely drives me insane and I always have to get things resolved b4 i can rest.
10. I was born on my dad's birthday (came 2.5 weeks early to surprise him)!
11. I love watching sunsets or looking at the stars. It amazes me how big the universe is and how small we are.
12. It's easy to make me laugh...and easy to make me cry too (but you'll probably never know that).
13. I don't like making lists about myself. I tend to run out of ideas. I think its bc i dont like making things all about me.
14. My favorite type of ice cream is Mayfield's Cookies-N-Cream
15. I'm very artsy--i love to paint, draw, color, scrapbook, all that type of stuff.
16. My favorite Bible verse is Matthew 6:34.
17. I have a metal plate and six screws in my arm...sick i know. It's from where I broke my arm in 7th grade. Trampoline's aren't very nice.
18. I had to go to the ER twice in one week when i was like 2 yrs old. One time was for running into the edge of a piano and busting my head open (had to get stitches) and the second time was for sticking a nut out of my mom's fruit salad up my nose...haha not to proud of that one.
19. I love taking pictures!
20. I've lived in the same house all my life (until i moved to college).
21. I enjoy hanging out with friends and making inside jokes.
22. My favorite colors are blue and lime green and purple.
23. I took 5 semesters of Spanish in high school (mainly just bc the teacher was awesome).
24. I love going to the beach. I want to live there one day.
25. I ended up doing one of these stupid lists after swearing I wasn't going to haha.

Dream

Last night I had a strange dream...well i guess it wasn't that strange...it just made me think about things. In the dream, someone's facebook status said "someone-who-will-remain-nameless is explain the desert to me." I know, it makes absolutely no sense. One of my friends had commented on it already and just gave some simple dictionary explanation and I began to think about what my answer would be. I decided that I would agree with her comment but add that it's a bad place to be stuck in. Once the illusions of water start to appear, it's terrible. It's something you want sooo bad. You're running towards it and right when you reach it, you go to grab and it runs away into the distance. So you chase it once again. Same things happens over and over. You get close enough to touch it and it fades away. Yet you keep chasing after what you want in hopes that it will actually be real eventually. Obviously I'm not just referring to water -- it plays into everything you desire. You run after it with all your might, but sometimes you can never actually grasp it. Then I woke up and kept thinking about that dream. I decided that's probably how God feels sometimes too. Except, with him, we are the vision of water. We draw so close to him and make him think "okay, i've got them for good this time." But then when we don't get our way or what we want, we slip away out of his reach again. We'll come close again then draw back away. Maybe it's not like this for everyone, but it is with me. When everything seems to be going exactly the way I want it to, I can't be happier. I rejoice with all my might. Yet when I can't have what I want, it's a completely different story. I keep having to remind myself that God's thoughts are higher than mine and he knows what's best for me. Just because I don't get what I desire doesn't mean it's not what's best for me.

By the way, this mad alot more sense when I was thinking about it at 4am this morning haha. Oh well.

Confusion

So have you ever experienced one of those moments when something totally unexpected happens? It hits you like a ton of bricks, and feels like it will change your life forever. You don't know what to do to make it better or how to fix the situation, and all of these possible solutions start running through your head. I've had a recent experience with a friend being really mad at me and wasn't even going to let me explain. They weren't going to even tell me what was wrong. I'm the type of person that can't handle friends being angry with me. And I just had to make things right again. But at first, this person wasn't even giving me the chance. They didn't want to listen or explain. It hurt so much. After all my pleading, they finally gave in and allowed discussion and things were somewhat-but-not-completely resolved. And then the next day, it's like nothing ever happened. Things went from hell to just fine within a days time. I don't understand how people work. How can you go from absolutely hating someone one day to being best friends again the next? That doesn't make any sense to me. And while I'm glad everything is back to normal, I'm just waiting for it to all fall apart again. We all have these rush of emotions inside us that we can't always control. We have to decide what's worth confronting or hiding or what to do about the given situation. I know on several different occasions I wished I didn't act the way I did or say the things I said. But even if I could go back in time, I don't think I would change a thing. Everything happens for a reason and whether or not that reason is clear at the time, it's still there. I just hate how we have to let life play out infront of us without having a clue about what's going to happen next. There's my rant for the day. Many more to follow I'm sure.